Socoabliis Outcasea (fig 1)
Habitat: strictly near package stores
Frequency: Uncommon
Height: 4'11" (see g)
Weight: 98lb. rider, 58lb. bicycle
A favorite amongst enthusiasts, author not-withstanding. Solitary, but fearless of people and traffic. Erratic and unpredictable flight pattern. Often seen flying directly against traffic. Many observers attribute their piercing gaze to be a result of fear, this is simply not the case. Distinctions: a) handlebars in aggressive posture, b) at least two spokes missing on each wheel, c) chain touches the ground - further study of this exciting behavior is required, d) “shit-kickers”, e) large spoke protector, f) Members Only plumage with broken zipper (male), g) minimum saddle height for maximum comfort. Voice: gravelly, sharp, quick tones, often cursing: fuckin' bike, piecea-shit, gawdammit. This is accompanied by the bicycle itself - chain slipping gears: kak-kak-kak, and a high wheeze of the brake pads running the rim: screeee-eeeee-eeeee-eee. Little is known of the ancestry of this species but some believe it is the direct descendant of the DWI driver.
Packrates Biclettes (fig 2)
Habitat: Residential streets and sidewalks
Frequency: Rare, more common on “trash night”
Height: 5'2"
Weight: 240lbs, sometimes upwards of 550lbs!
Once seen only in larger cites, this elusive and shy forager has been slowly migrating to prospering surrounding suburbs. Solitary. Note abundance of plastic shopping bags. Voice: Possesses no call, per se. However, if one listens closely one may hear the sound of its lower appendage dragging along the ground: shh shhhhh shh shhhh. Packrates Biclettes feed on larger garbage piles, looking for discarded human objects to bring back to their nest, which is thick and cramped with collected debris. Mating habits of these amazing and loveable creatures are a complete mystery.
Magnetius Ovo (fig 3)
This bold crest is found on both male and females, and is believed to serve two purposes: 1) improvement of aerodynamics and, 2) to attract a mate. Magnetius Ovo is a condition inherent in many different species of cyclist, with the possible exception of the Socoabliis Outcasea, which rarely, if ever, adorn helmets.
Tricilli Sachus (fig 4)
Habitat: anywhere there are refundables
Frequency: uncommon
Height: 4'6"
Weight: 200-400lbs
One of the largest species, this lumbering creature is better at cargo-carrying than maneuvering. It is a scavenger, scouring the recycling bins for tasty soda cans. Distinctions: a) $3.40 worth of empties, b) protective wear on hands. Voice: varies, often mimics other cyclists. Although Tricilli Sachus has inhabited North America since the late 1940s, there is much more research needed on this exciting species.
Recumbohilerax Commutus (fig 5)
Habitat: prefers smooth roads with wide shoulders, but may be seen migrating to and from said roads
Frequency: very rare
Height: 3'2"
Weight: 200lbs and up
Swifter than they look, these creatures fly low to the ground, taking advantage of mechanical and drafting properties we humans have yet to fully understand. Often seen alone, but occasionally in flocks. Distinctions: a) scraggly plumage on the throat and nape, b) complicated undertail, c) distinctive markings on its moisture reserve, d) white crown with red striping - Bell variety circa 1970. Voice: A low, somewhat nasally cry: on your left, on your left. Recumbohilerax Commutus feed at finer bike shops, looking for things to adorn their wonderfully eccentric plumage.
A Field Guide to the